A Heavy Heart

As the countdown begins for my daughter to be hospitialized for 3 weeks, I have a very heavy heart. We prayed and labored many hours over this decision. It is not one I want to have to make again. Monique is a beautiful child with a good heart that has gotten clouded over with mental health issues. I ache for her. I am not ready to be away from her for 3 weeks. I know this is what she needs to break the cycle that she is in here at home. A mother's mind is always worrying about her children. Will she cry for us? Will she be willing to work hard to get home? How will her little brother take all this? The guilt that I feel on my shoulders is great although I am fighting it knowing that it is a lie. Will our family get back to living together as a loving family? Only God knows for sure. I know that all of us our suffering with the turmoil that we have been living in. I just put my son into therapy to help him deal with many issues including being hurt on a daily basis. This is a journey not a sprint. We did not create this problem in a few days and it sure won't be fixed in a few days. God knows my heart. I know he wants freedom for us. As I am doing my bible study on Breaking free, I am reminded of how much He wants us to be free from our bondage. It starts with us and our hearts. As you think of our family remember us in prayer. We need a lot of strength to walk this road of rebuilding and hope. I just love the idea that my Savior is a few steps ahead of me breaking the path for me and keeping me safe. He knows our every need and will supply. We are truly blessed to have what we have and the services we need. He will have all the Glory when this family is healed.

Second car and the headaches it caused

Well the last week has been full of excitement and frustrations. We decided on 2/12/11 to buy a 1998 Ford Windstar. It drove well and was the right price. A day later the door dinger would not stop dinging and the engine lite came on. I took it to Herky Miller who told me to take it back and get my money back. I couldn't. PA does not have a law that lets you take back a used car within a time range. So the dealer told me to take it to their garage which is out past Irwin. I did and they said it has a bad cylinoid and it needs the secondary computer that controls all the electrical components of the van.  I said there was no way I was paying for this and the dealer agreed to pay for that. The parts were ordered. The next day I drove my mom around doing her errands. We were going up her hill and the van just quit. I knew it was the alternator and had it towed back to Irwin. A new alternator was installed and was covered under the warranty we purchased. The next day the van wouldn't start. We needed a new battery. So we have decided that God just wanted to get the van in working order before we own it very long.  We are still waiting for the 2 parts. I know God gave us this van and He is in control but my anxiety levels have been quite high after getting stranded twice. It is nice to have wheels and get things done without relying on Doug for everything.

Some things are turning around

Well I can say that Jesus is truly bigger. A week ago our world was turned upside down and now we are getting back to normal.  CYS was here today and they checked out the clean and organized house and said they were going to close the case!!!!!! Praise God!!!! Now to get someone here to work with Mo.  I know God is in control and I am relying on it. A verse came to mind yesterday while I was at clubs...James 1:2-3" Consider it pure Joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverence." That says it all.  I am not going to question why but what is God going to do with this.

This is not what I had in mind

     As s mother of a special needs child with mental health issues, I am getting to my point of exhaustion. The behaviors we as a family have to endure lately is just more than I can handle.  Today was a regular day with her disregarding the rules and doing as she pleases.  We usually put her in her room, but we just wanted to go to a Steeler party and be with some adults.  That is all I wanted really. As the night wore on she was getting tired and I should have known this was just asking too much of her, but there were 10 kids there so I thought she would be fine. As I walked into the kitchen at the end of the game I heard "you stupid girl!!!!!" Which was my son sccreaming at his sister.  He came down and told us that his sister "roped" him around the neck and pulled real hard. He has a rope burn around his neck. After some prying she told us that she was mad that he interuppted her play with one of the little kids.
      I just don't know what to do anymore and I just feel alone and like no one understands the stress we are under. I am starting to hate life.  This is not supposed to be this hard.  Not many of my friends understand the stress that we deal with each and every day. I have never been a quitter, but somedays I just want off the ride.  I feel like I am leaving my other kid down because he usually is the one that gets hurt when she gets mad.  I am supposed to protect my kids and all I do is fix the wounds in the end.  Please just keep us in your prayers as we see where this road leads.  

God is Bigger, Right?

After the week my family has endured I am just in awe at God's grace and mercy for us.  On the good side I have lost 10 more pounds in 2 weeks. Only 8 more pounds left and I will be at my second goal!  This week was a week from hell.  A therapist that had been working with Mo childlined us to CYF.  She falsely accused us of hoarding and have feces throughout our house. She accused us of keeping our kids at home for school because we were being paid. (I still would like to know who is paying us.) She also said we were socially isolating our children and refused to lock our rifles.

  So let me set the record straight...We did have some clutter and the house was in need of a good spring cleaning but the social worker from CYF said the house was ok.( 3 dear friends came out yesterday and helped me spring clean)  She also didn't think we were socially isolating our children. No feces in the house (that is gross)!  We did lock our rifles up and the social worker took pictures of the locks. 

We are so confused as to why the therapist lied to CYF about us.  Doug's job could be in jeopardy due to an open case with CYF.  His agency works for them and this could pose a problem even if the accusations are unfounded.  Our reputations have been tarnished and we are seeking legal council to help us through this.  When I spoke with the therapist's boss she told me that the things I told her was not what the therapist told her.  There were many things in the report that were not discussed. I know that God allows things to happen to us to teach us things and for His glory. I know he will work this out, but I have to admit that this is one of the scariest things I have had to deal with.  I am still quite angry that these lies have been spread about us. 

Please keep our family in prayer as we go through this.  Mo is without a therapist for a couple weeks and Doug's job is in limbo.  We are not sure what to do legally. It is just a mess.

get to know me a bit.

For this Blog I am going to write about my days as a mom and teacher and as I travel on this journey of weight loss. I am a mom to a special needs daughter and a son. I cyberschool both of my kids at this time. I find that in any given day I wear many hats as most moms do.  I hope to keep a detailed journey of my major lifestyle change as I learn to live with it. On 12/28/2010 I had gastric bypass. At my heaviest I was 354. I am down to 296. My goal weight is 165. I am learning so much about protein and how my body doesn't like the protein supplements. I can't wait to go to my High School reunion in September. I should be a lot closer to my goal.  Faith is a huge part of my life and how I live and treat other people. Stay tuned for more updates.